Magna Bank, N.A. as Trustee for registered holders of certificates issued under the name of the Macandcheese Acquisition Trust, Inc. an inactive corporation, for a nonexistent trust, series 2022-XL-1

So a friend of mine left her phone in my car. Here is what I wrote to her:

Thank you for leaving your phone in my possession, which as you know is 9/10s of the law. That means that even though you paid for it and you received ownership from the seller, I can now claim it as my property. So by possessing the phone I was able to issue and sell several certificates based upon the possible rental income I would receive from you for access to the phone you already own.

*
I told the buyers you had scheduled payments of $100 per month, even though you had neitehr signed nor even acknoweldged any agreeemtn to make the scheduled payments on the nonexistent obligaiton.
I told the investors that I would make quarterly payments to them equal to 5% of their investments in perpetuity. I will be able to make those payments as long as I am able to continue selling certificates either on your deal or other deals with other ignorant consumers. If you don’t make the payment I will have the option of withholding part or all of the payments I promised to the investors. If you do make payments on this nonexistent obligation, that will make it easier for me to pay bonuses to everyone involved in this scheme.
*

So far I have received $2500 from these investors and my salesmen are just getting started. I am returning the phone to you in exchange for a signed receipt that refers to a document that is referenced as describing the scheduled payments. If you don’t make the payment I will repossess the phone and get a judgment against you for the balance due under the lease, which is $15,000. If you wish to modify this obligation you will need to admit to a default and we might then offer a “modification” in which you agree that the deal is valid.

*
Servicing of this nonexistent account has been assigned to financial technology (FINTECH) companies who will communicate with you using the name of Joe’s Screw and Die Company (JSDC). The FINTECH companies will assert aqht JSDC is your new servicer ven thouhg it performs no functions.
*
The FINTECH companies will publish and send to account statements and payment histories under the letterhead of JSDC. Your telephone communications and correspondence will be forwarded to a call center or correspondence center operated by Black Knight Rising, Inc. who works for me.
*
If you ask any questions or if a legal action is initiated to collect on this nonexistent obligation the creditor will be named as Magna Bank, N.A. as Trustee for registered holders of certificates issued under the name of the Macandcheese Acquisition Trust, Inc. an inactive corporation, for a nonexistent trust, series 2022-XL-1.
*
And no, I will not reveal the identity of the holders of those certificates nor the content of the certificates. Not ever. But I will instruct lawyers to imply — but not directly state — that the action is brought on behalf of investors or a trust and that it doesn’t make any difference whihc one.
*
Despite the fact that you never signed any document that memorializes any agreement by you to these specific arrangements I assure you I can and will enforce the nonexistent obligation against you — because I can.
*
Reports concerning your credit status will be sent under cover of the name JSDC to the Credit Reporting Agencies. My name won’t be mentioned so if you ever prove that the report was false, it will be difficult if not impossible for you to attribute liability to me. You will get a judgment against JSDC which is a thinly capitalized entity designed to go bankrupt in the event that many people like you start winning in court.
*
Failure to make scheduled payments on this nonexistent obligation will result in increased expenses incurred by you for use of credit in the future in addition to loss of your phone, and a judgment against you that is presumptively valid once it is entered in any court record in a court of competent jurisdiction.
*
Should you choose to contest this claim you will most likely win — but only if you are willing to spend considerable time, money and energy in doing so, while negative credit reports are issued against you. Thus even though the claim is false and based upon illegal and possibly criminal premises, you might as well pay.
*
Although you might consider this arrangement to be theft, based upon coercion and intimidation, we call it free-market capitalism. Thanks to tens of millions of consumers just like you I now have a private jet, and palatial estates in 14 countries. I am also a very large contributor to philanthropic causes, and a prolofic collector of mastperpiece artworks — which gives me great credibility in the press, even though I am a common thief.
*
On a final note, you might ask whether you could or should be a participant in this scheme receiving some of the prodigious revenue from sales of certificates or even some revenue from other consumers like you. While we recognize that the entire scheme is dependent upon the existence of your phone and the receipt you sign to get it back, the answer is no, we will not share in the revenue.
*
Just to be clear, I am not your creditor. I neither own nor maintain any accounting record on which data entries are made at or near the time of any financial transction with you and neither does JSDC. However because anyone can sue for anything, I will continue to assert nonexistent authority to collect money from you.
*
As further clarification, when I have generated more than the stated lease balance of $15,000 you will neither be notified of that fact nor relieved of any pressure to continue paying. You will not be able to prove that the revenues      generated exceeded any amount asserted as your obligation because there is no such record keeping track of that.
*
And in an abundance of caution let me clearly state that you have no debt or obligation owed to me or anyone else under this arrangement. Any payment you make is purely voluntary and without any impediment to your ability to access professional advice which you probably won’t use. What is wonderful for me is that even if you did go to a lawyer or other professional (except perhaps a diligent accountant) they most likely would not understand this deal even if they read this email. Such professionals might ask you questions like “well, you got the phone didn’t you?”
P.S. My friend won’t return my calls now.

3 Responses

  1. Joe’s Screw and Die Company is my another favorite Neils’ analogy after Wall Street trades on aliens with acne.

    Still laugh, so true!

  2. Great analogy. Easy to follow. So right on. Makes the foreclosure complexities understandable to the common man or woman. A delightful read.

  3. This is Great!!! Love it. Bottom line – friend has no obligation under any securitization. That is the “investor” problem. OHH — but what did claimed fake securitizer promise if your friend does not make payments? Foreclosure in their name. Impossible, but the courts “buy it.” Incredible. Thanks.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: