Seniors Banking… PRICELESS!!

Seniors Banking… PRICELESS!!

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:


#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

14 Responses

  1. Appauld the lady who had the guts to actually write this (if true). I love to know what the repsonse from the bank.

  2. Anybody who does business with the giant banks, e.g. HSBC, will get terrible and impersonal service. Get rid of the impersonal banks.

  3. hi neil-i am alan schlosser-xmas dinner at montis-i love your articles-thank you for sending.  please change my email to  i hope you remain in good health-thanx alan.

  4. Here’s the kicker in this story…if we weren’t told ahead of time that this lady was 86 years smart, would we have a different take on the story? Is it possible to legally change one’s age, like one can legally change one’s name? I’d like to see how my world might change – maybe a “Pretend You Are 86 Today” Day is in order to check it out. I think I might try out thinking like I’m 86 and see what that might change.

  5. you know some people woke up about 5 years ago behind the curve these seniors may be old and frail but they have seen it all, history repeats itself. this time it is different getting ahead of the curve will take time but do they really want to feel the wrath of god when it does, our leadership is biased thats not going to change unless we the 99 % start voting for it and so far we have not a single option.

  6. It’s from England. The £ sign is used instead of the dollar sign, and the Postal Act is mentioned. That is the British law on rules for the mail.

  7. All these banker’s need to go to jail. They make me sick. They are a joke and need to be put away. They are ruining the fabric of our society. When the hell is the world going to wake up and get off their duffs about what is going on in America. To all the court’s, judge’s and our politicians, “Wake the hell up, your children and grandchildren are at stake here”. Don’t live for the moment, live for the future.

  8. Sadly, seniors are prime targets for financial predators, banks leading the pack. Bless this woman and her rapier wit.

  9. some of the seniors i meet have a superior IQ to college grads, they have lived, they have learned, they dont sweat the small stuff they dont care about the color of their hair and they are far from boring… and they do not think the sky falling is the end of the world. i had a lady today i asked if she was in pain the answer ” oh honey i dont tolerate pain”

  10. I have crossed over…small banks…no more credit cards…yahooo

  11. might we all learn from this smart lil gal
    thank you

  12. Pricele$$ reverse the rhetoric !!!

  13. The answer is community banking. Why everyone doesn’t find a nice community bank is beyond me. I love my bank even after I moved 1200 miles away. Yes, I have to mail in deposits and pay to use ATMs, but I love that any problem is dealt with by a simple call to Adam or Emily (yes, I know everyone’s name). If I have to change banks eventually, I don’t care what it takes… I’m staying small.

  14. ROFLMAO,this is way too good to be true.Leave it to the seniors to think up something as funny as this is.It’s what we all need to do.Go get ’em seniors.LOL.

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